I have written, and rewritten, and deleted this blog post about 6 times now. It feels too vulnerable, too real and at the same time completely unreal, but all of you who will be reading this have supported the farm in one way or another so here it is, a bit tangential as usual, but the fate of Sweet Delilah Farm….
Have you ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? It’s about a woman who gets divorced unexpectedly, ends up on a gay tour of Tuscany, buys a villa, and ultimately turns the house in to a home full of love and family. I remember my mom “making” me watch that movie years ago, she felt like it was so poignant, I of course thought it was cute, but felt no real connection to it…I get it now. It’s these unexpected big life transitions that lead us to the lives we never knew we were missing. I truly do believe that. The last year of my life has been quite literally the most difficult, exhausting, and shocking year I have experienced. I hit a wall of grief in late winter, over my losing my grandma who was my love, yes, but really over losing the life I thought I was going to have when I got divorced. I think it’s a hard thing to describe, if you haven’t felt it, it’s not just a brutal breakup, it’s a loss of life, of future, of so many hopes and dreams, of identity. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this process. It’s lonely and it’s brutal. I kept trying to make external “changes”… if I read this book, or go to this grief group, or move to a different city, like for real, I almost moved to Texas (I have a lot of friends who let out a large sigh or relief when i changed my mind on that one), dye my hair pink, etc… I’ll feel better, I’ll feel like myself again. But what I’ve come to understand, is that I wont feel like “myself” again, my life changed permanently, and as painful as it’s been, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, or a good thing, but it is what happened. So I had to consider everything in my life, I had to find a way to bring life back in, but how to do that when you feel like you can’t breath. The only thing I could do was take a step back from most everything and everyone in my life for months in order to try to understand, regroup, reckon, and learn about who I am now, and who I want to be, moving forward in this next phase of my life. How to move on from what I thought I always wanted. And in that process, I had to consider my farm and my identity as a farmer. So I sat, and felt, and completely checked out, and sowed seeds, and grew babies, and planted them, all the while feeling like I was drowning. I didn’t know how to connect back to my identity as a farmer when a large part of it just felt like heartbreak. But I grow flowers because I do believe in their power as tools to healing. I don’t say that lightly. Coming from my background in somatic psychotherapy, trauma studies, and social work I know first hand how crucial one moment of beauty in someones day can be. And that’s where the flowers never cease to do their job. Even on the worst days, something sprouted, or bloomed, baby crows hatched, hummingbirds came back, 3 cats became best friends on the farm. It was impossibly to stay sad at the farm because i was surrounded by life, and love, and beauty every time I turned around. So I began to renew my sense of love for what I do, but I still felt stuck in a cycle of what my life was. Something had to change, I had to go on my own “gay tour of Tuscany”.
It was a Saturday morning, and we were driving over Fremont bridge deciding what to do with the day when out of nowhere Sauvie Island popped in to my head, so we went for a drive to that beautiful place. Like usual the day out there was full of beauty, there was something in the air, magic as I like to think of it. We randomly hung out with a herd of goats, went off roading in my truck, and on our way off the island I remembered the lavender farm, so we headed that way. I had been there, once, three years ago, and have a very vivid memory of standing in the field, looking at the mountain peaks in the distance, saying that I wanted this. That feeling. To wake up on MY farm every morning. To be blessed with the gift of getting to live the life i’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, and, as fate would have it, that very farm just happened to be for sale. I knew it, in my heart, immediately, that was my home. That was the feeling i’d been wanting and needing. I’ve moved almost every year since I was 18 years old, which in total is 15 times. I have never had my own space to breath, expand, grow, and I needed it now more than ever….So….two weeks later they accepted my offer on the home and the property which means that Sweet Delilah Farm will officially be moving to what has lovingly been the Sauvie Island Lavender Farm for over a decade. Not only is this going to bring so much joy and breath in to my own life, it’s going to allow me to grow the farm in ways I've only been able to dream of so far. I CANNOT WAIT to share it all with you. I’ll be spending this fall and winter getting the farm ready for next season, and bit by bit i’ll be sharing the new ways in which Sweet Delilah Farm is going to expand. It’s going to be amazing. So get ready for a million pictures of the new home and farm progress. This is about 30 years worth of dreaming manifesting and I feel overwhelmed with excitement to get my hands in this new dirt and to create so many new memories, connect with more community, and create a space that is healing and full of beauty for you all to come visit.